Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Clarifying...

Maybe I was too vague in that last post to make any sense.

None of our children are being removed, none of our five that are either birth children or adopted. We are not under any kind of investigation by social services or anything. It isn't that.

We have a child in our care, not one of our five, and she is being returned. Again. This is our second time round caring for this child (who we love like our own)and it is just a huge roller coaster. She is wonderful, a part of our family, and absolute blessing. We are sad, so sad as having her back really made us feel like that missing part of our family was back. It was, she is a part of our family, whether she lives here or not. So, no we aren't losing one of our kids, but yes we are. We aren't losing one that is legally ours, but one that is a child of our hearts. And it is very scary again to have her sent into the unknown, and certainly a situation that has always been "shaky". So part of me is wanting to be happy that there are some wrongs being righted, but another part of me is so jealous of our time with this little one. I am also so grateful for being able to know that she is growing and a delight. At some point I will be able to view this time as a gift, but at this point it is just very, very painful. I cannot imagine not hearing her little voice again, but that will be come. It is today, and tomorrow and the next few weeks that will be the most difficult. I wish so much that there was another answer. But it is out of our hands.

Please just pray. I don't know if my heart has anything left to bleed.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Prayers needed

Hi all,
Could I ask for prayers for our family? I cannot share the details, but some folks are aware at this point after seeing us this weekend. Things have changed, after we were thrown for a loop (but a good one) on Friday morning. Now they are changing again, but not in a good way. There is nothing we can do, this is one of those things that is out of our hands, but for us, as a family that treasures children and welcomes more, we are devastated. Tomorrow will be a hard day, and tonight we need to treasure every second we have. I know that this is vague and confusing, but it isn't something I am at liberty to discuss. Just that there are seven of us who are confused and hurting.

Personally, I am so wounded, that I cannot imagine how we are going to get through this. I cannot imagine taking a leap or opening up to such pain again.

So, today we breathe in and out, make dinner and enjoy all six kids. Tomorrow we do a hard thing and then just try to keep going. All I know how to do is to keep breathing. I don't really want to very much, but that is what must be done. So, we breathe in and out, make meals, do laundry, wash dishes and whatever else must be done. We have gone through this before, it just seems the utmost of cruelty that we are going through it again.

So, tonight I will kiss all the little heads goodnight and thank God for each one of them, for tonight. And tomorrow will be what it will be.

I don't know how to get through, but we will.